apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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