Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm too high and old for this...
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
