You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
