sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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