I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Randomize
