$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
