Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
