I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
