Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
