she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
