but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
