I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
