Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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