Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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