he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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