My Higher Power is John Stamos
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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