When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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