I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
