well I can't set my house on fire every night
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
