Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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