So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
