you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
