I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
