Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
