You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
