Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
