Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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