I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
