By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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