Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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