I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
