nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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