First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
