My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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