This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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