it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
