Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
