Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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