I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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