rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
