I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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