Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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