life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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