who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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