You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
