How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
