He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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