why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
