I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
