guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
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