dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
