I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
it's like iHOP with fire
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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