What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
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If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
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I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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