I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
We are two peas in an std pod
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
