do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
