My liver just broke up with me...
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
