You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
