Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
