So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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