is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
